6:20 AM flight on a Saturday: booooo

9:00 AM pick up by my friend Christina: yaaaaay!

Traffic jam: boooo

Steubens: yay!

Patio: brrrrr

Outdoor heater: word!

Michilata: oooohhhh

Chile rellenos for brunch: ahhhhh

Service: woot!

Atmosphere: chill!

Fan? Toats!

Yelp Reviewer on Steuben’s Food Service, Denver, Colorado

1 Useful, 6 Funny, 2 cool

As great of a place 15 Romolo was (service, food, sangrias) I have to admit the bathroom was kind of disappointing. Like in a lot of my reviews, I mention that I am a little OCD and a neat freak, and tend to judge a place by the bathrooms. 15 Romolo’s WASNT dirty in that there was toilet paper all over the ground and unkept, but it didn’t have a “clean” VIBE. It was dimly lit like the restaurant and the bathroom decor was along the lines of rustic cottage? Then again… i tend to hold a special place in my heart for Nordstrom bathrooms. So if the point was to make the bathrooms fit that “rustic/antique” interior decor theme, my apologies.

Yelp Reviewer on 15 Romolo, San Francisco, CA 

0 Useful 0 Funny 1 Cool

I think it is absolutely terrific that extremely wealthy people can have a restaurant to call their very own, where we don’t have to be near working-class - or even middle-class - folks.

____ Reviewer on The Kitchen, Sacramento, CA

4 Useful, 22 Funny, 4 Cool

To their credit, they are the first coffee shop in the city that I saw really emphasizing their “pour over” single-serve hot coffee. Since I am a cheapskate, I have never actually tried it though because it is more expensive than the drip coffee. If I am spending money on coffee, then I am probably going to get a cappuccino. Which is neither here nor there.

____ Reviewer on Third Rail Coffee, Manhattan, NY [for Dave M.]

2 Useful, 1 Funny, 1 Cool

Sorry people on Yelp, you are all wrong. How you have managed to make one of the top rated restaurants in Denver someplace that doesn’t serve a f*cking DROP of alcohol is beyond me. WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

With my steaming hot, extremely spicy bowl of meat and broth I want a beer. Any normal person should want a beer in this situation too. HELL I just left the comfort and security of my nice apartment, drove all the way down Federal to sit here sweating my ass off with a small glass of water? No, I dont want a cucumber smoothie or a f*cking iced coffee. BEER.

____ Reviewer on Pho 95, Denver, CO

0 Useful 4 Funny 0 Cool

[Submitted by Pearl, who adds, “Yeah, what the hell?”]

Here’s but a tiny excerpt from her extremely loud, extremely prolific monologue to which every person on the patio was privy to against their will:

Screaming Uterus Lady: NO KIDDING, I feel about TEN LBS. LIGHTER after I had that UTERUS removed! IT’S SO FREEING! That UTERUS sure was cumbersome while it was around…

Seriously, lady, I don’t want to hear about your vagina while I’m unsuccessfully attempting to gnaw my way through the toughest duck I’ve ever eaten in my life.

____ Reviewer on Royal Thai Cuisine

1 Useful 4 Funny 3 Cool

[via Katie, sort of]

Minus one star for the fact that we have always had to wait for a table here, but it’s never more than a few minutes. The place is small so I’ll give them that. Minus another star because I don’t think their menu is quite extensive enough. Again, since the place is smaller, they might have the mindset that they have mastered their current offerings and aren’t offering everything but the kitchen sink, which I can respect.

____ Reviewer on Bridget Foy’s, Philadelphia, PA [Submitted by Alexandra]

1 Useful, 1 Funny, 1 Cool

The most striking thing was the horizontal lard and fat stalactites adhering to the exhaust fan. My clothes had to be washed that night to get rid of the diner’s odor. Hot dogs were pretty good, though.

____ Reviewer on Gus’s Hotdogs, Watervliet, NY [Submitted by Josh]

6 Useful, 9 Funny, 2 Cool

I really don’t go to this place very much, but I live next door so I walk by it all the time. It’s quite a cute mom and pop place, in this sense, but I don’t like sushi so I can’t relate. I also once tried the chai latte and I really only drank about a quarter of it because it wasn’t good at all.

____ Reviewer on Sushi Den, San Diego, CA [Submitted by Sean]

0 Useful, 1 Funny, 0 Cool

The homage to Escoffier was the worst for me - the squab was lukewarm, which is oh so ironic. The stone soup, while a cheeky idea, was medicinal.

____ Reviewer on Alinea, Chicago, IL [Submitted by Joe]

13 Useful, 2 Funny, 3 Cool

I don’t really have much to say about Circa. Not because it’s been a long time since I was here, or even because I was shit-hammered drunk. No my friends, the issue at hand is that the bartender’s boobs were staring at my the whole time I was there, and it made in all but impossible to focus on the bar around me.

____ Reviewer on Circa, the Marina, San Francisco 

0 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

Service: in 3 words indifferent, spooky, confusing. We were seated and ignored for about 15 minutes, before the busser took our drink and dinner orders at our request. Our waitress then returned with an icy vengeance, creating awkwardness whenever she entered our table air space.

____ Reviewer on Farmicia, Philadelphia 

[submitted by Cory]

6 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

Dear Friends

So it was inevitable. Due to various and sundry complaints and threats of digital kneecapping, we have been compelled to change our name and whatnot. We’ll now be at theblankelite.tumblr.com. Our e-mail will be theblankelite AT gmail.com. New twitter will be @the____elite.

"Minus one star for switching names midstream, but my biffledom still really likes the grey color scheme."

The first time I had the bruschetta was my second time there and the only reason I had it was because the waiter pronounced it properly. It’s broo-ske-ta. It’s not broo-she-da, or broo-che-da, or bro-what’s-up.

____ Reviewer on Bin No. 18, Miami, FL [Submitted by Antonella] 

4 Useful, 8 Funny, 4 Cool


____ Reviewer on Bond 45, Midtown West, NYC 

0 Useful, 2 Funny, 0 Cool