The ____ Elite: Archive

October 2012

1 post

“The eclair was like a Girl Talk remix of a Nas song. Innovative but I prefer the OG Classic. And no cream filling. That’s like a porn with no cum shot at the end.” —

Yelp Reviewer on Craftsman & Wolves, San Francisco, CA

3 Useful, 4 Funny, 1 Cool

Oct 26, 20122 notes

August 2012

1 post

“Menu Readability: There is a fascia sign outdoors with some of the specials.” —

Yelp Reviewer on Ten Mile Aroma, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

14 Useful, 16 Funny, 12 Cool

Aug 18, 20121 note

June 2012

1 post

“I really don’t like seafood or veggies much and tend to view it as “diet” or “health” food. There was only one small beef course. That having been said, I did enjoy 7 of the 9 courses.” —

Yelp Reviewer on The Restaurant at Meadowood, St. Helena, CA

0 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

Jun 18, 20121 note

April 2012

1 post

“The drink I ended up getting was basically a spiked ginger beer. It was my own fault, but I forget to tell her nothing with ginger in it. Luckily, my friend liked my drink so I gave it to her. She did not like her own drink (the USSR) and the waitress took it back and actually took it off our bill (2nd star). I ordered a beer instead, which was just ok, but again, citrus.” —

Yelp Reviewer on Local Edition, San Francisco, CA

1 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

Apr 24, 20121 note

December 2011

1 post

“We ordered our food and drinks all at once, and as soon as they brought me my beer I was worried. The glasses are small. Yes the beer was only $4, but still, a pint would have been fair. What we got looked like a 12oz glass.” —

Yelp Reviewer on Nojo, San Francisco, CA

2 Useful, 1 Funny, 0 Cool

Dec 4, 2011

November 2011

1 post

“

this place is good for…NOTHING.
all it’s good for is idiots, who can’t park their cars properly and take up all the parking in the surrounding neighborhoods.

idiot-people standing in the street with their idiot children. (they should know not to dick around in the street. judah is a busy street.).

idiot-people double parking(in front of my house), illegal u turns and douchey-pedestrians.

” —

Yelp Reviewer on Outerlands, San Francisco, CA

0 Useful 0 Funny 0 Cool

Nov 6, 20113 notes

September 2011

1 post

“

This is NOT a review of the restaurant, but I will revise this after I eat here.

But here’s my two cents, if you can get a entire restaurant up and running why can’t you get the website and menu also up simultaneously?

” —

Yelp Reviewer on Park Tavern, San Francisco, CA

0 Useful 0 Funny 0 Cool

Sep 6, 2011

“Can’t really remember what the food was like, but great selection of tequila. Would have given 4 stars, but when I went to get another round of shots from the bar my BRAND NEW iPhone was stolen off the table. Total bummer.” —

Yelp Reviewer on Cava 22, San Francisco, CA

0 Useful 2 Funny 0 Cool

Aug 31, 20112 notes

August 2011

3 posts

“Would love to try The Melt, but I can’t do cheese. How about a GC featuring Daiya? Or homemade cashew cheese? Or another incredibly tasty, non-dairy option? That would be awesome!” —

Yelp Reviewer on The Melt, San Francisco, CA

0 Useful 0 Funny 0 Cool

Aug 30, 20111 note

“

Best pizza crust I’ve ever had. 5 star crust.

Reason for lowering it to 3 stars is:
1) No meat on any of the pizza’s he makes.
2) No chili pepper flakes.
3) Nothing but 5 pizza’s, beer, & wine.

I just feel like I needed something more. If I’m going to spend 50% more for a margherita pizza, I want to enjoy the overall experience.

” —

Yelp Reviewer on Una Pizza Napoletana, San Francisco, CA

0 Useful 0 Funny 0 Cool

Aug 29, 2011

May 2011

25 posts

“

The good news is that I finally tried their mint hot chocolate.

The bad news is that not only do they not have a vegan alternative, the staff copped an attitude cause I asked if there was one. “We have WATER, would that serve your purpose?”

Actually a one star place but the extra star is because it did taste good. (No, I had the milk version, did I really had a choice?)

” —

Yelp Reviewer on CocoaBella Chocolates, San Francisco, CA

2 Useful 0 Funny 0 Cool

May 18, 20111 note

#vegan rage #chocolate #like water for chocolate

“

“The Big Cheese? I’m sorry, but this place should really be called “Fries and Gravy”.

There were hardly any curds. I’d give it 4 stars if the big cheese served big cheese, but they don’t. I heart poutine. I hope they pick
up the slack. That is all.

EDIT: You can order extra curds for $1.25. You need to add curdsx 3 to make it reasonable. Makes a small poutine about ~$11. You decide.”

” —

Yelp Reviewer on The Big Cheese, Calgary, CA

0 Useful 1 Funny 0 Cool

[via Phil, who notes that it is “terribly stereotypical of our love for poutine”]

May 16, 20111 note

#Canada! #Calgary #poutine #cheesy gravy fries

“When you really whoop someone in tennis (6-0 in a regular set, or 8-0 in a pro set) you say “I bageled him!” and everyone gets it. It is a thing of beauty. The bagel is like a doughnut, yet the phrase is not “I doughnuted him” (which would have other unfortunate innuendo and undercurrents attached to it.) The bagel is like a doughnut but more awesome - something Peter Griffin appreciated when he decided to microwave one.” —

Yelp Reviewer on The Hot Bagel Shop, Houston, TX

1 Useful 1 Funny 1 Cool

[submitted by Renee]

May 11, 20111 note

#just learned bageling was a tennis verb #yelp #houston #not doughnuts

“vobbly tables, checkered tablecloths, bikes on zhe vall und a staircase zhat could kill you- I absolutely love zhis place!
I vent on a friday evening und zhis vonderful little place vas busy, busy, busy, vith only two staff und a bar full of people soaking up zhe beer in zhe veird shaped beer bottles, it could have been a recipe for disaster, but somehow zhey managed to make you feel at home. Almost as if you had crashed someone’s house party und zhen realised zhat you actually did know zhe people haveing zhe party, so in actual fact you vere not crashing at all!
Zhey even told me I could bring in some pizza or various other food if I vished to, und eat it on one of zheir beautiful yet unpredictable tables! I nearly did before realising I had some pringles in my bag.
(always carry pringles darlings. You never know vhen you vill need to pop.)
Zhe drinks vere delicious (I even got two limes in my gin und tonic darlings- vithout even asking. as extra star right zhere.)
Zhe people vere friendly und gorgeous, und despite zhe fact zhere vas only one toilet for zhe whole bar, it vas always very vell stocked vith toilet paper.” —

Yelp Reviewer ScooterCaffe [aka Vespa] in London, UK

2 Useful 1 Funny 0 Cool

May 10, 2011

#UK #irrelevant accents #yelp #is that supposed to be Russian?

Canada

So we went ahead and tried to find some wacky reviews from Canada [Vancouver specifically], and found something rather disappointing instead. All of the reviews we read were completely reasonable. Some were a bit irate, some slightly overdone, but nothing totally out there. If any of you out there are Canadian [or even if you’re not], please help us find zany reviews from your countrymen and women!

May 9, 2011

#call to action #canada #too nice

“

6:20 AM flight on a Saturday: booooo

9:00 AM pick up by my friend Christina: yaaaaay!

Traffic jam: boooo

Steubens: yay!

Patio: brrrrr

Outdoor heater: word!

Michilata: oooohhhh

Chile rellenos for brunch: ahhhhh

Service: woot!

Atmosphere: chill!

Fan? Toats!

” —

Yelp Reviewer on Steuben’s Food Service, Denver, Colorado

1 Useful, 6 Funny, 2 cool

May 7, 20112 notes

#sentences are unnecessary #steuben's #yelp #review #chile rellenos

“As great of a place 15 Romolo was (service, food, sangrias) I have to admit the bathroom was kind of disappointing. Like in a lot of my reviews, I mention that I am a little OCD and a neat freak, and tend to judge a place by the bathrooms. 15 Romolo’s WASNT dirty in that there was toilet paper all over the ground and unkept, but it didn’t have a “clean” VIBE. It was dimly lit like the restaurant and the bathroom decor was along the lines of rustic cottage? Then again… i tend to hold a special place in my heart for Nordstrom bathrooms. So if the point was to make the bathrooms fit that “rustic/antique” interior decor theme, my apologies.” —

Yelp Reviewer on 15 Romolo, San Francisco, CA

0 Useful 0 Funny 1 Cool

May 6, 20112 notes

#bad bathroom aura #mixology #yelp #reviews #elite

“I think it is absolutely terrific that extremely wealthy people can have a restaurant to call their very own, where we don’t have to be near working-class - or even middle-class - folks.” —

____ Reviewer on The Kitchen, Sacramento, CA

4 Useful, 22 Funny, 4 Cool

May 6, 20115 notes

#elitist #sacramento #the kitchen

“To their credit, they are the first coffee shop in the city that I saw really emphasizing their “pour over” single-serve hot coffee. Since I am a cheapskate, I have never actually tried it though because it is more expensive than the drip coffee. If I am spending money on coffee, then I am probably going to get a cappuccino. Which is neither here nor there.” —

____ Reviewer on Third Rail Coffee, Manhattan, NY [for Dave M.]

2 Useful, 1 Funny, 1 Cool

May 5, 20112 notes

#cheapskate #manhattan #non sequiturs #third rail #coffee

“

Sorry people on Yelp, you are all wrong. How you have managed to make one of the top rated restaurants in Denver someplace that doesn’t serve a f*cking DROP of alcohol is beyond me. WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

With my steaming hot, extremely spicy bowl of meat and broth I want a beer. Any normal person should want a beer in this situation too. HELL I just left the comfort and security of my nice apartment, drove all the way down Federal to sit here sweating my ass off with a small glass of water? No, I dont want a cucumber smoothie or a f*cking iced coffee. BEER.

” —

____ Reviewer on Pho 95, Denver, CO

0 Useful 4 Funny 0 Cool

[Submitted by Pearl, who adds, “Yeah, what the hell?”]

May 5, 20114 notes

#alcohol #rage

“

Here’s but a tiny excerpt from her extremely loud, extremely prolific monologue to which every person on the patio was privy to against their will:

Screaming Uterus Lady: NO KIDDING, I feel about TEN LBS. LIGHTER after I had that UTERUS removed! IT’S SO FREEING! That UTERUS sure was cumbersome while it was around…

Seriously, lady, I don’t want to hear about your vagina while I’m unsuccessfully attempting to gnaw my way through the toughest duck I’ve ever eaten in my life.

” —

____ Reviewer on Royal Thai Cuisine

1 Useful 4 Funny 3 Cool

[via Katie, sort of]

May 5, 20114 notes

#uterus #freedom #tough duck

“Minus one star for the fact that we have always had to wait for a table here, but it’s never more than a few minutes. The place is small so I’ll give them that. Minus another star because I don’t think their menu is quite extensive enough. Again, since the place is smaller, they might have the mindset that they have mastered their current offerings and aren’t offering everything but the kitchen sink, which I can respect.” —

____ Reviewer on Bridget Foy’s, Philadelphia, PA [Submitted by Alexandra]

1 Useful, 1 Funny, 1 Cool

May 4, 20112 notes

#indecisive #making concessions #Bridget Foy's #Philadelphia

“The most striking thing was the horizontal lard and fat stalactites adhering to the exhaust fan. My clothes had to be washed that night to get rid of the diner’s odor. Hot dogs were pretty good, though.” —

____ Reviewer on Gus’s Hotdogs, Watervliet, NY [Submitted by Josh]

6 Useful, 9 Funny, 2 Cool

May 4, 20114 notes

#hot dogs #lard

“I really don’t go to this place very much, but I live next door so I walk by it all the time. It’s quite a cute mom and pop place, in this sense, but I don’t like sushi so I can’t relate. I also once tried the chai latte and I really only drank about a quarter of it because it wasn’t good at all.” —

____ Reviewer on Sushi Den, San Diego, CA [Submitted by Sean]

0 Useful, 1 Funny, 0 Cool

May 4, 2011

#chai #sushi #cute mom #cute pop

“The homage to Escoffier was the worst for me - the squab was lukewarm, which is oh so ironic. The stone soup, while a cheeky idea, was medicinal.” —

____ Reviewer on Alinea, Chicago, IL [Submitted by Joe]

13 Useful, 2 Funny, 3 Cool

May 3, 20117 notes

#alinea #chicago #cheeky

“I don’t really have much to say about Circa. Not because it’s been a long time since I was here, or even because I was shit-hammered drunk. No my friends, the issue at hand is that the bartender’s boobs were staring at my the whole time I was there, and it made in all but impossible to focus on the bar around me.” —

____ Reviewer on Circa, the Marina, San Francisco

0 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

May 3, 20113 notes

#circa #san francisco

“Service: in 3 words indifferent, spooky, confusing. We were seated and ignored for about 15 minutes, before the busser took our drink and dinner orders at our request. Our waitress then returned with an icy vengeance, creating awkwardness whenever she entered our table air space.” —

____ Reviewer on Farmicia, Philadelphia

[submitted by Cory]

6 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

May 3, 20111 note

#frigid wrath #philadelphia #spooky #farmicia

Dear Friends

So it was inevitable. Due to various and sundry complaints and threats of digital kneecapping, we have been compelled to change our name and whatnot. We’ll now be at theblankelite.tumblr.com. Our e-mail will be theblankelite AT gmail.com. New twitter will be @the____elite.

“Minus one star for switching names midstream, but my biffledom still really likes the grey color scheme.”

May 2, 20111 note

#sadness #URL change #end of an era #copyright law

“The first time I had the bruschetta was my second time there and the only reason I had it was because the waiter pronounced it properly. It’s broo-ske-ta. It’s not broo-she-da, or broo-che-da, or bro-what’s-up.” —

____ Reviewer on Bin No. 18, Miami, FL [Submitted by Antonella]

4 Useful, 8 Funny, 4 Cool

May 2, 201110 notes

#bruschetta

“The arugula salad was good, EVEN THOUGH, UPON ASKED, WE’VE FOUND OUT IT WAS A HOUSE SALAD THAT THE IDIOT BROUGHT, AND NOT THE BABY ARUGULA SALAD WITH THE PEAR THAT WE’VE REQUESTED!!!” —

____ Reviewer on Bond 45, Midtown West, NYC

0 Useful, 2 Funny, 0 Cool

May 2, 20113 notes

#yelling #salad

“I can’t remember exactly what I ate, since I didn’t do the ordering and plus I wanted to write more about this place and then I totally forgot about finishing my review.
Sorry…[____] is too hard to keep up with.” —

____ Reviewer on Goat Town, East Village, NYC

0 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

May 2, 20114 notes

#nyc, #goat town #east village

“The whiskey steak was done phonemically well.” —

____ Reviewer on the Dromer, Omaha, NE

[submitted by Jen]

1 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

May 2, 20116 notes

#linguistics #steak #omaha

“Personally, Momofuku Milk Bar is perfunctory work with the high bombastic gaga of being pretentious.” —

____ Reviewer on Momofuku Milk Bar, East Village, NYC [Submitted by Joe]

2 Useful, 1 Funny, 1 Cool

May 1, 201113 notes

#momofuku #nyc #gaga

“I take solace in the Divine I know that scoundrels such as these will not remain in business much longer. Such wickedness cannot abide, and I fully expect J&J to cease operations within the year.” —

____ Reviewer on J & J Towing, Austin, TX [Submitted by Lloyd]

6 Useful, 17 Funny, 5 Cool

[from ye olde house of ____e]

May 1, 20111 note

#olde english #austin

“I’ll admit my palate is not much better than that of an 8 year old’s, but when a restaurant doesn’t even have ONE thing that the unsophisticated can get (they had grilled chicken, but bone in, skin on, and over some way weird onion like things that had lots of juice around them), it’s just very frustrating.” —

____ Reviewer on Osteria, Philadelphia, PA [Submitted by Elizabeth]

I Useful, 2 Funny, 1 Cool

May 1, 20112 notes

#Osteria #chicken #sophistication #Philadelphia

“I was happy they accommodated my order of making the cod without encrusting it in chorizo and to cook it in very little oil. Overall the meal was a little bland but that could be my fault for ordering on the healthier side.” —

____ Reviewer on 9 Restaurant, Hell’s Kitchen, NYC [Submitted by Leah]

0 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

Apr 30, 201116 notes

#complainer #healthy #nyc #hell's kitchen

April 2011

35 posts

“I would deduct like half a star because of the ice. It lacks bite, like it just isn’t cold enough. Like, what kind of barista never learned how to properly freeze ice?” —

____ Reviewer on The Summit, the Mission, San Francisco [Submitted by Kelsie]

0 Useful, 1 Funny, 0 Cool

Apr 30, 20115 notes

#ice #the mission

“A waffle iron can last between a week and a month at Funk and Waffles and they’ve thrown out about 50 in two years. Being bad to the environment- minus one star.” —

____ Reviewer on Funk N’ Waffles, Syracuse, NY [Submitted by Alec]

1 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

Apr 30, 20112 notes

#waffles #environment

“I had the enchiladas with green sauce and it was RIPPIN AZZ RIPPIN AZZ!!” —

____ Reviewer on Mesa Coyoacan, Williamsburg, Brooklyn [Submitted by Josh]

5 Useful, 10 Funny, 1 Cool

Apr 29, 2011

#mexican

“I was very pleased that they gave us wet naps at the end.” —

____ Reviewer on Dukem Ethiopian Restaurant, Washington DC [Submitted by Allison]

2 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

Apr 29, 20113 notes

#ethiopian #wet naps

“I don’t want to be such a snob here, but I have been to all kinds of famous restaurants in the world, including French Laundry in Napa, Motto in Chicago and Spoon in Paris. Foodies would know what that means. None of them had no picture policy. Motto is extremely extremely famous place, especially for it’s creative presentation. I took pictures of each dish in front of waiter. Some of them were too creative that I had to film.” —

____ Reviewer on Joe Doe, East Village, NYC

9 Useful, 2 Funny, 0 Cool

Apr 29, 20114 notes

#foodspotting #east village

“Mediocre food offends me. Aside from restaurants I’ve been to before, the only other person I’d trust to recommend a restaurant is my biffledom, whose taste buds are adequately critical but without the pretentious fluff. She did not recommend Bourgeois Pig.” —

____ Reviewer on Bourgeois Pig, East Village, NYC

5 Useful, 6 Funny, 2 Cool

Apr 29, 20114 notes

#bourgeois pig #east village

“Third, the coffee is not strong enough. Granted, I had decaf, but it tasted more watered down coffee than actual coffee.” —

____ Reviewer on Rooz Cafe, Oakland, CA [Submitted by Cliff]

11 Useful, 7 Funny, 10 Cool

Apr 29, 20116 notes

#decaf

“You can never go wrong with the scones with clotted cream and jam. I did take a star off for a $7 price tag for smaller than usual scones, but worth every penny.” —

____ Reviewer on Tea & Sympathy, West Village, NYC

0 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

Apr 28, 20111 note

#tea #scones #UK

“It’s sort of like the Taylor Lautner of food. It is pretty, but lacks any kind of depth.” —

____ Reviewer on Peels, NoHo, NYC

5 Useful, 4 Funny, 1 Cool

Apr 28, 201116 notes

#peels #nyc #noho #taylor lautner

“The spring rolls were PHObulous! We each ordered Pho the way we wanted, and was pleased with the quality of the PHOod. The veggies served were PHOresh and the service was decent (it’s always popular and busy there). I PHOrgot the waiter and waitreses’ names, but they were accommodating and you can tell that they take pride in their business.” —

____ Reviewer on Golden Flower Vietnamese, Reno, NV

2 Useful, 2 Funny, 2 Cool

Apr 28, 20115 notes

#pho #puns #vietnamese

“You call yourself Plump Dumpling. You taste more like Ass Dumpling.” —

____ Reviewer on Plump Dumpling, East Village, NYC

9 Useful, 9 Funny, 6 Cool

Apr 28, 201110 notes

#plump dumpling #east village

“I decided it would be best to ask our much nicer server, travis, what was up with the photo policy. he said it was a rule they had since opening:: no photography. something about someone trying to replicate recipes. really? i’m asian. i take pictures of food. it’s kind of what we do.” —

____ Reviewer on Cork Wine Bar, Logan Circle, Washington DC [Submitted by Candace]

10 Useful, 10 Funny, 10 Cool

Apr 27, 201110 notes

#photography #asian #policy

“If you like sedated people around you exhaling partially processed terrible alcohol smell from every possible direction while you can’t really move or stay in position without being hit by someone who is just loosing control over their basic motoric system, then this place is for you.” —

____ Reviewer on Bloodhound, SOMA, SF [Submitted by Cindy]

0 Useful, 0 Funny, 0 Cool

Apr 27, 20115 notes

#bloodhound #sf

“The bowl of chips that they toss at you is akin to jamming your hand into a vat of broken glass. The shards of fried corn at the thickness they are served could be mistaken for discarded surgical equipment.” —

____ Reviewer on Poquitos, Capitol Hill, Seattle [Submitted by Stefanie]

8 Useful, 3 Funny, 1 Cool

Apr 27, 201137 notes

#surgical #sensitive